I never thought I’d be able to do this. Be brave enough to follow my heart and know that all I need is my faith. Never thought that I’d be allowed to follow my calling. That I’m worth it.
I used to take care of the needs and expectations of others much more than my own. I put them first. Forgot about myself. Until it broke me. For years. Why? Well, look around you. Society unfortunately thinks that speaking up and struggling with mental health is a weakness.
I thought this was true. I thought showing vulnerability meant showing the world that I’m weak and incapable – that I’m worth less than others, not deserving. Then I started looking into myself, deeply. Confronted my inner struggles. Asked myself, “Why am I feeling like this?”
Now, I’m able to share my story. To talk about anorexia, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. I’ve never been stronger than I am now. I realized I wasn’t pursuing the path that sets my soul on fire, sparks my spirit and fills my heart with love. I came to realize that living my life will not look like what my family wants. It will not look like what society expects. Their expectations don’t match my true calling. I had to start following my truth.
Your spirit and your soul are constantly guiding you to find your true calling. Just listen. If you continue to ignore it, you may succeed in pursuing a different path for a while, but do you really think your spirit will stop pushing you towards your destined track?
I was only 13-years old when I discovered that living life the way the people around me were, was not for me. I said: “Mom, Dad, when I grow up, I will live and study in the U.S. I don’t belong in Germany.” Of course, they thought it was just a phase and brushed it off. So, I stayed. What else was I supposed to do at the time, right?! I went and followed everyone else’s path. Until it broke me. Until I failed at everything that I did. Until I reached the point of contemplating taking my own life.
Even though I finally had the courage to speak up and tell others about how I was feeling, and that I was, in fact, diagnosed with depression and anxiety, that I needed help desperately… the lack of understanding and not being taken seriously by others, just made it worse. So, I kept quiet. I struggled alone and fought my own demons. Until I started to understand.
I realized that I was going through it for a reason. I started listening to my heart. And I remembered what little J had always known: this wasn’t my calling. So, I left. Others will tell you how I hurt and neglected people along the way. That I’m selfish. Crazy. Delusional. But you know what? Even though I still fight my battles, still fight for my future, still experience a lack of understanding and support, and even though my journey is not over yet – I’ve never been happier. Because I put myself first. I speak my truth. I turned my vulnerability into my strength. Finally.
Trust me, this is never easy. Spiritual awakening, breaking free from past trauma – it’s a journey. It’s painful. It’s a lot of work. What you gain from it, however, is priceless. Happiness. Freedom. New opportunities. You fill your life and your heart with love. If you are open to receive it.
I learned to share my story to inspire others, help others, and to show that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You can turn your life around. You only have one life. Only YOU know how you want to experience that journey. If I can do it, you can do it. The little girl who was bullied all her life, struggled with mental illness, failed at everything she tried, who no one ever truly believed in … that little girl … she’s about to receive a Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology. In America. She found her passion, chose elevation, chose love, chose light. She chose LIFE. And now, she wants to share it.
Remember, what works for someone else, doesn’t have to work for you. Someone else’s dream, doesn’t have to be your dream. We’re all different. What makes you happy, may not make me happy. We all need to find our own happiness.