Parenting advice is easy to find online or may come unsolicited from friends and family, but which strategies will really work? While each situation is unique, researchers have spent decades with thousands of children and families to answer the question empirically. What follows are parenting strategies to address children’s social-emotional development and reduce child behavior problems.
Most discipline techniques function best in the context of a secure attachment, which is built through attunement and responsiveness to children’s needs and feelings, and quality time. When a parent takes the time to play one-on-one with a young child, following the child’s lead and simply enjoying an activity together without trying to teach the child, reflecting the child’s statements and labeling the child’s feelings, this shows the child that the parent is attuned to them and builds feelings of trust and shared enjoyment.
Think quality over quantity: Five minutes a day is enough. Predictable routines and consistent, clear, developmentally appropriate rules and expectations also lead to feelings of safety for the child and positive behaviors because children know what to expect. The example we set as parents is often our most powerful teaching tool, as children imitate what is modeled for them.
To teach new skills, we must often first show them, then do it with them, then supervise them, and finally we can expect them to do the skill independently.
Young children are bombarded with commands and limits throughout their day, so it can be helpful to give them some age-appropriate control and choices, such as what to wear and which foods to eat (from a small set of choices you approve).
When parents need to give commands, it’s best to make it clear to the child when it’s not a choice—“Please put your shirt in the hamper” vs. “Would you put your shirt in the hamper?”—to give directives one at a time, to speak in an assertive but not angry tone of voice, and to use vocabulary you are sure the child understands.
It’s important to catch children being good and let them know they’re doing the right thing. Praising children for compliance with directives will increase obedient behavior, and the most powerful praise statements let the child know exactly what behavior you like.
For older children, you can set up reward systems and collaborate with them on rewards that are meaningful and motivating for the child and feasible for the parent. Make rewards initially easy to earn, and gradually increase the demand, then phase them out when the desired behavior becomes a habit.
When a child disobeys, and you know they can obey, it is important to follow through with safe consequences. Often, the best consequences are logical consequences, such as losing the privilege of using markers after the child colors in an inappropriate place. Removal of privileges and timeout are most effective to reduce misbehaviors when they’re paired with praise or reward for the desired, positive opposite behavior, e.g., “Thanks for keeping the markers on the paper.”
Timeout has recently been challenged in the popular press and by some professionals, but decades of research shows that timeouts done correctly are effective, safe, and not traumatic for most children aged 2 to 10. However, parents often implement time out incorrectly and conclude that it doesn’t work.
It’s important that timeouts be predictable for children and that they happen only after clear communication of developmentally appropriate expectations and a warning that timeout is about to occur if the child continues the misbehavior. On the other hand, be careful not to offer 100 warnings or empty threats, or else the warning loses meaning.
Timeouts should also be used sparingly, mainly for negative attention-seeking behavior or clear rule violations for young children. in the context of a warm, positive, parent-child relationship with ample quality time and reinforcement for good behaviors. The term time out comes from the idea that it is a “timeout from positive reinforcement,” so if the environment is not otherwise reinforcing, a child may act out to get negative attention.
Timeouts should be short (one minute per year of age up to about three minutes can be sufficient), take place in a safe but boring environment, involve ignoring all begging and protestation, and be followed by an opportunity for repair and demonstration of the appropriate behavior. Ideally parents are in charge of releasing the child when the time has passed and the child is calm.
Older children can also be given a five-minute chore rather than a timeout or lose screen time in very short-term intervals (so they have motivation to behave better) as a consequence for misbehaviors. Of course, it is important for parents to remain calm to implement these strategies consistently and effectively. Consequently, self-care for parents, including taking a break when needed, is crucial to support rather than take away from the parent-child relationship.
Remember that these recommendations are rooted in the evidence of what works for most families with young children, but they may not be a fit for all children, behaviors, families, or situations. It is important to note that each child has a unique temperament and unique developmental needs.
Consequences are insufficient to teach a child to perform a new behavior that the child does not have the developmental skill to perform. Working with children on problem-solving, fine motor, emotion identification and regulation, and social skills are also important pieces of the puzzle.
An ounce of prevention is also worth a pound of cure (or consequences), so during times that might be more boring or challenging for children, plan novel and engaging activities for them. Offer special activity books or toys for waiting in waiting rooms or on long car rides to help children make more positive behavioral choices.
More information about these strategies can be found online through the American Academy of Pediatrics or Triple P. If significant behavior concerns persist after trying these strategies, a consultation with a professional could be needed. Be cautious about unlicensed coaches whose work may not regulated. A board certified family psychologist—with the American Board of Professional Psychology (ABPP) credential—has the highest level of education and vetting by experts for clinical work with families. Although a psychiatric or medical diagnosis is often required for insurance to pay for therapy, you don’t have to have a diagnosis to see a family psychologist.