{"id":102041,"date":"2018-10-15T23:06:13","date_gmt":"2018-10-16T06:06:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/forourwellness.org\/?p=2226"},"modified":"2025-04-16T17:13:56","modified_gmt":"2025-04-16T22:13:56","slug":"dementia-story","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thechicagoschool.edu\/insight\/for-our-wellness\/dementia-story\/","title":{"rendered":"Telling White Lies With Love"},"content":{"rendered":"

You feel guilty \u2013 you\u2019re lying to someone. Even if it was a white lie, you\u2019re being dishonest…but at the same time you have to balance that with doing what\u2019s best for him.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

By: Victor Abalos<\/p>\n

Some psychologists believe so-called \u201cwhite lies\u201d are an important currency in any relationship. It\u2019s a way to manage the little challenges of getting along with husbands, wives, children and co-workers.<\/p>\n

But for Beatriz Lopez, white lies became much more \u2013 they became an important language of love in her family as they struggled to deal with her oldest brother\u2019s rapid slide into dementia. The white lies were sometimes told to protect him from possibly hurting others \u2013 like when they told him the CHP had come to confiscate his car keys. The DMV had actually suspended his license but Jose Lopez, already diagnosed with dementia, refused to stop driving.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Or the white lies they told him when it came time to take his pet dog, Jazzy, away for adoption. He kept forgetting to feed and clean up after her but Beatriz and the rest of the family knew he\u2019d never give her up willingly. \u201cHe was so close to her \u2013 she followed him everywhere and we were worried what he\u2019d do if we tried to take her away.\u201d<\/p>\n

So they told Jose Jazzy was sick and needed to go to the vet. He was able to say goodbye to her without knowing \u2013 or remembering \u2013 he would never see her again.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou feel guilty \u2013 you\u2019re lying to someone,” Beatriz say. “Even if it was a white lie, you\u2019re being dishonest and I\u2019m just not the kind of person to do that, especially with family. But at the same time you have to balance that with doing what\u2019s best for him. The lie is justified.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jose, who is now 64, was diagnosed with advanced dementia four years ago. It was heartbreaking for the Lopez family \u2013 who like many families had their challenges but tried to keep each other close over the years. Jose, was known to be a \u201cmacho man,\u201d according to little sister Beatriz \u2013 a man rough around the edges.<\/p>\n

He rarely showed emotion and when he did it was often anger. He was also a father to three children but was long estranged from their mother who had remarried. The kids are all adults now and Jose had difficulties with them. He hasn\u2019t spoken to his only daughter in many years. Not even the diagnosis of dementia would bring them back together. His oldest son, Jose Jr. died of cancer only two years ago.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Beatriz remembers her brother at the funeral. He\u2019d already been diagnosed with dementia and she isn\u2019t sure he was completely aware that his son was gone.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe realized there was something wrong but wasn\u2019t ready to admit it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s incumbent upon us to really try to come together as families,\u201d says Dr. Clive Kennedy, Professor of Clinical Forensic Psychology at The Chicago School. \u201cWe can\u2019t wait until weddings and funerals. Let\u2019s get together and have a meal together and open up and talk about the things that some families avoid.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was because the Lopez family \u2013 out of concern for their brother\u2019s safety \u2013 eventually connected with each other that they were able to take action. And when they finally convinced Jose to get tested it was because they had gone through this before.<\/p>\n

Beatriz remembers the day the family confronted the issue head on.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe told him we were all getting tested \u2013 even though it was only him. And we knew there was a high probability that he had (dementia). When we got the results and we told him, it was an emotional moment. We told him \u2018remember what dad had? We think this is what you may have too.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Beatriz and Jose\u2019s father had died of dementia-related issues and Jose’s diagnosis brought back painful memories.<\/p>\n

Jose now lives in a special residential facility designed for dementia and other patients who have cognitive loss challenges. Beatriz and her brother Luis, sister Lina and Jose\u2019s son Jim come to visit often.<\/p>\n

\"\"\u201cWhen we moved him to the facility, we told him he was moving to a new apartment. We told him it was bigger and there would be more people to socialize with.\u201d More white lies, said Beatriz.<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes it\u2019s sad (because) I don\u2019t think he recognizes me but that doesn\u2019t stop me from going to see him. I like to spend time with him. But I\u2019ll admit I\u2019ve driven away in tears because he didn\u2019t recognize me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jose\u2019s diagnosis, along with their father\u2019s, brought home hard realities to Beatriz and her siblings.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt scares the heck out of me. As we age, we tend to forget things anyway. \u2018Where did I leave my keys?\u2019 I think I am I starting to show symptoms. I am hyper sensitive when I forget things. But I\u2019m afraid to get tested. I don\u2019t know if I want to hear that news. It\u2019s like a death sentence. Makes me more aware. I play brain games to keep my mind active. I\u2019ve seen what it does.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her experience with her father and brother motivated Beatriz to take action.<\/p>\n

\u201cI also made arrangements, should I get it. I don\u2019t want to put my kinds through the same struggle. They shouldn\u2019t have to deal with that emotional and financial toll.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re talking about difficult conversations,\u201d said Dr. Kennedy. \u201cWe may even start avoiding the person in question and that\u2019s not the thing to do. This is the time families should start pulling together not apart.\u201d<\/p>\n

(Watch as the Lopez family shares its story on Fox LA.)<\/a><\/p>\n

Click here for resources on dementia.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/section>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You feel guilty \u2013 you\u2019re lying to someone. Even if it was a white lie, you\u2019re being dishonest…but at the same time you have to balance that with doing what\u2019s best for him.\u201d By: Victor Abalos Some psychologists believe so-called \u201cwhite lies\u201d are an important currency in any relationship. It\u2019s a way to manage the little challenges of getting along with husbands, wives, children and co-workers. But for Beatriz Lopez, white lies became much more \u2013 they became an important […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":34,"featured_media":102011,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[704],"tags":[737,780,807,889,890,1017],"coauthors":[1034],"class_list":["post-102041","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-for-our-wellness","tag-alzhieimers","tag-dementia","tag-family-love","tag-mental-health-awareness","tag-mental-health-education","tag-white-lies"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nTelling White Lies With Love - Insight Digital Magazine<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A personal journey through dementia\u2019s challenges and the power of mental health support in navigating memory loss.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.thechicagoschool.edu\/insight\/for-our-wellness\/dementia-story\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Telling White Lies With Love - 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